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Archive for April, 2007

Hates Flossing, highly uncomfortable underwearer
Dear Red Thong,
I’m so sorry… so, so sorry I didn’t shower today, but that’s not what we’re here to talk about. Look… it’s just not… proper what you do down there. You’re so far up my butt that you’re practically coming out my mouth, and nobody wants a thong wagging around [...]

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Jen F, a most satisfied customer
I got a card with Juniper Bank, Apple’s financing company, about a year ago. Soon thereafter I tried to access it online and couldn’t create an account. I called them to find out why and I was able to learn that my social is wrong. I asked them to fix [...]

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Beer Rant

Josh G, angry and smelly
Last night was one of the best live sporting events I’ve ever been to. My company sent me to a playoff game between the Mavericks and my beloved Golden State Warriors. We pulled out the victory of course, but here is one thing I could have done without.
I’m going crazy, yelling, [...]

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Tyrantasaurus, model driver
Here in the Bay Area, Los Altos Hills is ritzy on top of ritzy. Lots of small streets that wind into the hills… and this is where I’m driving, one second away from being late to a tutoring appointment.
An old woman standing by her car waves me down. Naturally, since I’m a good [...]

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Following in the stupid but noble tradition of Site That Shall Not Be Named, here is a stupid cat picture to usher in the beginning of the stupid month of May.

If you have any better pictures that are funnier (a lot funnier, for the love of all that is holy!!!), check out our Submitasaurus page [...]

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Kimberly, no-time novelist
Dear Everyone Who’s A Literary Agent,
You know what? My novel is great and I hate you all. I work for literally weeks on this thing and you say it needs work? What’s wrong with you? It’s got great characters, the dialogue absolutely sizzles (told you I’m a writer) and it’s the best story [...]

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Clingly, Gullible Girl

Zeuzen, on the market
Clingy, gullible girl next door seeks attractive, shallow egomanic for
long-term, emotionally abusive relationship. Must be willing to condescend, call me names, and sleep with my best friend, but only while I am at work.
In exchange for all of the excitement of a man of consistent character, I promise to work daily and [...]

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Jessicore, frustrated law student
I’m over this shit. Water law is freaking impossible. There’s no universal rule so… what, I’m just supposed to memorize every rule for every state? Or just know “there’s absolutely no concrete rule for this fact pattern, so here is EVERY FREAKING POSSIBILITY EVER AHHHHHHHH!”
Too bad I know I’m gonna have to [...]

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Dear Bastards,
Get your cheese out of my thighs! Don’t you remember our deal? I eat all the cheese I want and it never, ever, ever shows up on my body? You promised! But no, you just keep making it more and more and more delicious and you don’t hold up your end of the bargain.
I’d [...]

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Recently Over-Heard Near the MacArthur Maze, around 3:40 AM this morning:
Truck Driver:
My gracious! What a lovely morning. All is right with the world…
(Truck careens into guard-rail. A generous explosion.)
Oh my God. Oh my GOD! I am fired. I’m so goddamn fired.
(Freeway’s steel supports melt, span collapses leaving massive hole [...]

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Tyrantasaurus, so over it
Why is the number one site on WordPress a thing called I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER ? (From now on known as Site That Shall Not Be Named.)
Why? Why? Why? Why? It’s nonsensical pictures of stupid cats that have stupid captions on them that make no sense. Half the time it’s not even [...]

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Rubbernecking

Kevin, upset driver
What is it with all these people who have to slow down and almost stop every time they drive by a goddamned car accident? Don’t you understand that if you take 3 seconds before hitting the accelerator after the car in front of you – as opposed to one second – that there [...]

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Amazon.com Review Don’ts

Tyrantasaurus, writer/angry lady
If you’re brave enough to venture out onto the great sea that is the Internet and write a review, make sure it’s going to be helpful. Make sure it’s going to be really, really helpful.
The only review I’ve managed to write on Amazon.com, however: not helpful. I talk about high school, which is [...]

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Jordan, financial analyst
What kills me are my family members who grill me on how much I make, and when I finally relent and tell them, they act like assholes about it.
So, assholes, from my own experience, I’ve seen that it takes these things, in this order:
1. Balls – big fucking “I’m not going to give [...]

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We are getting off to a nice start, but we need submissions to function.
Send in your best rants, your funniest writing and your most rabid opinions. Find out how on our Submitasaurus page.
Rantasaurus Says: That’s a pretty good idea. I’m getting very bored. I burst out of a volcano for you people and, frankly, I [...]

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