Rantoceros, actor/Cisco Systems Employee
The emotionless, power-hungry tyrants of America have created a
sanitized, overblown version of the English language devoted solely to the purpose of subverting the truth.
Rather than use words as the powerful tools they are, these corporate-driven greed merchants have taken to using our language as little more than stilts made of balsa wood, meant to prop up a facade driven solely by style over substance.
Case in point? Me, the Rantoceros.
Currently I work at Cisco Systems. Calm down, it’s not a position that allows me to afford health insurance. Hell, I can’t even afford a PS2 video game. No, I work in the front lobby of Building 16, answering phone calls, registering guests, and assisting Cisco employees.
There is a very simple word to describe my position here at Cisco: Reception.
I am a (male) receptionist and a damn good one. I work hard 40 hours a week, deliver outstanding customer service, and get to read as much New York Times on-line as I can handle. However, as I ably go about my daily activities I am plagued by a plaque in front of me that describes my position thusly: LOBBY AMBASSADOR.
Lobby Ambassador? Just who, exactly, am I trying to fool? I can not tell you how many guests look at this placard, look to me, and then say, “Lobby Ambassador, huh?” This only confirms what I know, in my heart, to be true: that attempting to make the word receptionist sound “good” by dubbing it, “Lobby Ambassador,” is actually MORE insulting the the position I fill here at Cisco.
There’s nothing wrong with being a receptionist. It is a lovely word, an honoroable job, and perfectly describes my function here. I recieve people, questions, and complaints. I don’t Ambassad anything! The only element of truth in the phrase “Lobby Ambassador” is the word ‘lobby.’ Everything else is a fallacy.
When will we realize that the neutered, power-driven language we’ve
made up for ourselves is, in truth, MORE insulting than the words we’ve left behind in the dust.
What happened to taking a dump in the bathroom? Now I have to ‘relieve myself by visiting the restroom.’ And while there, why can’t I use toilet paper? I feel guilty wiping my ass with all that expensive ‘bathroom tissue.’
“I doubt I’ll ever answer these questions,” I think to myself, as I stand up from the ‘Feces Ambassador.’
Rantasaurus Says: I know. I hate it when I have to represent myself as a Literary Ambassador. That’s better than Feces Ambassador, though. Any day.
LOL – Feces Ambassador