Dear BB,
Like my frustrated office mate, CC, I find that I must also take a moment to ask: “Why?”
Why is it that you must share with us the minutiae that is your everyday life? Besides our profession, we have pretty much nothing in common. Seriously. Yet, that somehow does not stop the endless drivel that comes out of your mouth Monday through Friday.
Do I care who you voted for on American Idol or Dancing With the Stars? No.
Do I care about the adorable little antics and what your so-called “designer dogs” did last night? No.
Do I care about the recent activities of your alcoholic husband, stoner son, twit daughter or feeb mother-in-law? No.
C’mon, BB. You must know we feel this way… on some level, right?
We. Don’t. Care.
Surely you have noticed the polite attempts to get back to work as you begin prattling on about how much you love the new Clay Aiken song or whatever other piece of trendy pop culture trash you are now into? Surely you have noticed how my headphones are now on my ears whenever you are present? I’ll let you in on a little secret: half of the time, there is not even any music on….it’s the only way I can ignore you and get away with it (cuz you know as well as I do, if I don’t have the headphones on, I’m fair game).
Really, you must notice the way we smirk through your stories of the way you live oh-so-vicariously through your perfect peppy blonde daughter? I can’t tell you how many times a day I wish you had a daughter that wasn’t a thin, blonde dance-major sorority snob….that instead you had birthed a mousy, plain daughter who was into RPG 24-7 and brought home boys who looked like Napoleon Dynamite. What would you do then? What stories would you have to tell your family, your neighbors, your coworkers, etc? Methinks someone would be a bit embarrassed if that was the case.
The sad thing is that even with ignoring the fact that you are almost 50 but are holding onto your self-proclaimed “coolness” with your artificially tanned little hands, you make it incredibly hard professionally to get along with you. Even though we are looked at as equals in our department, you make into some sort of competition to see who can get the most certifications, you spy on us for pretty much the entire 8-9 hours we are here, you know what time we clock in and out at, what we have up on our monitors, if we are on personal calls, you make comments about how you’re certain you make more money than we do….the list goes on and on. The thing that makes me twitch the most over your immature behavior is that you are almost 50 years old and you run to our supervisor day in and day out like you’re a GD lapdog!!! Don’t you have any self-respect at all?!?!
It’s very sad. And you’ve made it very clear to me that you are the type of woman I do not want to grow up to be.
Signed, Your Frustrated Neighbor to the Left,
S
Rantasaurus Says: No joke. These two submissions were sent in side by side from the same office and about the same person. BB, whoever you are, may God have mercy on your soul.
Ha ha, the headphones tactic, it’s the only way I survive my job! I don’t always have something playing either!