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Archive for June, 2007

Dear Pentagenarian Coworker,
You are 52, not 15.  Your short skirts, low-cut tops, and god-awful high-heeled “clicky shoes” are an abomination to all that is good and beneficial to a non-insane work day.
You know, if you would actually park yourself at your desk for a second and, I don’t know, do some actual WORK, instead of [...]

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D.P., no quero Mrs. Giri
So, yesterday, I walk into Mrs. Giri’s Spanish class with my check-out slip to un-register, more than a little excited that I’ll never have to see her again.
“I’m sorry,” she says when I hand it to her. “I can’t sign this. You never returned your textbook.”
My eyes instantly [...]

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Short And Sweet

Tyree, observer extraordinaire
Don’t you just love it……when life throws you a loop, and you’re completely unprepared?

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Monday at 5 p.m. Pacific is the deadline for our Rantsplosion contest!
The theme: Crushes Gone Wrong
The winner will be announced on Tuesday.
You can submit a rant for the contest or submit any old rant you want about anything in the world on our Submitasaurus page. Remember, Rantasaurus runs on your rants!

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Dear BB,
Like my frustrated office mate, CC, I find that I must also take a moment to ask: “Why?”
Why is it that you must share with us the minutiae that is your everyday life? Besides our profession, we have pretty much nothing in common. Seriously. Yet, that somehow does not stop the endless drivel that [...]

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Dear BB-
Why must you share every detail of your life with me (and the rest of the office) on a day to day basis?
I understand you’re a 40-almost-50 something mother who is trying to desperately live vicariously through your bubbly 22 year old who just got out of college and got a great job making [...]

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Hooray, TSA!

Perry, seasoned traveler
 
 
“What do you get when you cross a homeless man and a proctologist?” I joked in my head as the TSA guy summoned me through the metal detector with his blue latexed index finger. I am convinced that the goal of the September 11th attacks was not to kill Americans, [...]

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Untimely Interruptions

Maureen, patient and loving customer service representative
For the love of God and all that is holy, why, why, WHY would ANYONE call ANYWHERE at 4:58? Not to mention that normal business hours everywhere on the face of the planet are 9-5, this a FINANCIAL SERVICES FIRM. THE MARKET CLOSES AT FOUR!!! THE ONLY REASON I’M [...]

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Noel, a doctor… really

I just love modern advertising campaigns, especially those commercials for the latest life improving pharmaceuticals. They are always so informative and filled with common sense: “Until you know how Lunesta will affect you, don’t drive or operate machinery.” I guess that means it’s good to wait until AFTER you start falling asleep [...]

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R. Rhemus Reefer, ghost writer extraordinaire
Is there something important you need to put in writing but you just don’t have the time or energy to get it done? Do you know what needs to be said but you can’t get it from your head to the paper? Is it a “Dog eat dog” world and [...]

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Jeff, your friendly neighborhood dealer
One of the great myths about Las Vegas is that prostitution is legal here. Let me assure you, it’s not. That still doesn’t explain why you can let your fingers do the walking and order a hooker directly from the Yellow Pages. “Alright sir, I’ve got a large pepperoni and a [...]

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Just a friendly reminder. Our Rantsplosion contest ends next Monday.
The theme: Crushes Gone Wrong
Aside from the contest, we’re always taking submissions! Mosey on over to our Submitasaurus page to learn more.

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Jeff,
I’m guessing it’s you. My new boss, the one with the skills to actually keep a laboratory running without causing all his employees to slit their throats in desperation, just informed me that someone, an un-named someone, has been taking great delight in telling him the times I arrive and leave the lab each [...]

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J. P., whose house if perfectly furnished thank you very much
So I’m dozing off in front of the TV (sound is set to a soothing low volume) . This is after a long tough day of suicidally soul destroying, slavelike work. Just as I begin the first of what I am hoping are a nighttime [...]

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Dear Amazon.com,
Please stop e-mailing me about Dean Koontz’s new book. I don’t care. You tell me that I’ll like this one because of how much I enjoyed his other books, and I wonder why you think that? Dean Koontz is a fucking tool box, and I’d rather sit through Daniel Steel’s whole [...]

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