Chickens,
Grow some fucking balls. Stop dying. Stop wandering off you stupid little bastards.
I feed the morons, I clean out their fucking house, which cost me £350. I give them the finest table scraps, tins of value sweetcorn from Facist-Mart, potatoes, mash, corn… I even bought them a bloody sausage roll the other day. That’s right – a sausage fucking roll.
Then they lay no bastard eggs, they rip the shit out of my garden, their ‘leader’ – this so-called hard nut called Harvey (after Keitel), this stupid cockerel that spends more time kicking MY ass than he does looking after his bitches.
They lay no eggs, they spread out all over the place when I let them out (when they should in fact be moving like the SAS going through an Afghanistan fucking goat pickling ceremony). They make a right racket, too. The cockerel screams his beak off half the time. I mean this little bastard is loud. Gives a bloke a fucking headache. Is everything in this life designed to stop me drinking cider I ask you ?
Chickens. Don’t do it. Once you get used to them you’ll want the eggs, and the place isn’t the same without them, but hell they need to toughen up. They certainly aren’t living up to expectation.
Does anyone on here know of any ‘hard-motherfucker’ breeds of chicken out there – because the ones I keep getting are getting fucked up on a regular basis. And that shit is upsetting too. Poor little feathery bastards.
One could keep them in a run – but all day? Better to live like a dangerous motherfucking little chicken and enjoy the sunshine out than be stuck in a cage all day. This I know.
Peace.
AM
Facist-Mart? XD
Tell you what- get geese to watch your chickens. They’re so badass, they’ll beat up your little rooster and tear his damn feathers out. Granted, they’re just about as noisy as a rooster, but only when strangers pop into your garden, but they’ll probably give your predators more of a run for their money than the hens. ;…;
…But seriously, Facist-Mart? That’s awesome.
Consider cooking the rooster for dinner and just keeping hens. And consider taking a bit more care of the poor things! I can’t tell how serious you are about keeping chickens, but if you are, do the job well.
My landlady and her husband have three hens and there are very aggressive and hungry raccoons in the neighborhood. Landlady’s hubby built a coop that’s big enough for us to stand and walk around in, so it’s palace sized for the hens. Moreover, we let them out into the backyard regularly, but we have good barriers on all sides of the yard and keep the gate closed. Their wings are clipped so they won’t fly out.
Nighttime, we lock em in the raccoon-proof coop. They roost for the night in a small plywood enclosure with plenty of fresh hay bedding, and they lay eggs for us there every day.
A quick google turned up this site, which looks to have sound chicken advice. There are many others.
Good luck, and I hope you get some eggs soon! Fresh eggs from your own chickens are a treat.
Go tell Aunt Rhody
I was at work a little while ago when my housemate’s email arrived with the news that Hen died today.
She was found stuck under a bush in the yard, and he wasn’t sure whether she broke her neck while trying to get out, or died of exhaustion…
I tried to trackback, but it didn’t work (due to my dense skull I’m sure), so here’s the post where I reveal the sad news about our oh-so-well-cared-for chicken.
I now believe that we’re all feeble half-witted creatures doomed to die before our time, just some creatures more so than others.