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Archive for September, 2007

Does tardiness somehow lessen IQ?
How is it that people, ostensibly SMART people, can apparently be completely and utterly incapable of calculating their transit time in order to arrive somewhere AT THE APPOINTED TIME?
I mean honestly, if an iPod-listening, frowning and non-watch wearing teenager can get himself, his hair and his too-baggy pants into a community [...]

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To the barista at my favorite caffeine refilling station:
Had you not been consuming so much of your own creations or snacking on Vita-Slim you snarf in desperation to shed the excess weight from the two gallons of double fudge ripple ice cream you inhaled while watching infomercials about losing excess tonnage last night, maybe the [...]

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Mark S, happy with his manhood 
How many more times will I get a variation of the mail-box clog about improving my manhood? I find it quite a bother to be continually told that nature forgot to endow me with the package that would make it difficult to wear a normal pair of jeans, let alone [...]

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Dear Painfully-Idiotic Coworker,
I would really like to know exactly how people like you are born. So I could put a nationwide ban on the procedure. Honestly, we’re going to be seniors in high school now, you’d think you could have absorbed a tad more knowledge than you actually have. Does it ever [...]

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Dear Rent-A-Deputy,
I know that you think your store-bought badge makes you something special. I have to agree. It certainly qualifies you for Special Education classes based on your Inbred Mental Status. The sheriff’s department really caught an awesome guy when they finally threw out those anti-obesity rules.
You must feel incredibly brave protecting [...]

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From a Tired House-Sitter

Dear Rat that is in my House,
You and I both know that while you have been in my house, I have not liked you. I don’t think you like me much either. Even though you accidentally stumbled upon this plethora of food that is my kitchen, I still blame you for my lack of sleep [...]

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Dear Mr. Important,
Do you think you’re better than me? I, along with about 20 other cars, was stopped at a traffic light in the left lane, and you came in the empty right lane, (which was turn-only) and cut over at the last second into the left lane, thus cutting in front of all [...]

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True story. When I first started Rantasaurus Rex, I wrote more rants than I wanted to. They weren’t funny and they weren’t good but people started showing up and reading.
I haven’t had to write a rant in five or six months and I really, reaaaaaally don’t wanna start. My rants are boring and lame and [...]

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Hey idiot,
What the hell, Mike? It’s not like you’re ever on time either, so shut your crap hole. Your son doesn’t do anything around here either (which is still better than you), so who fucking cares if he’s late? Really… shut… up. You probably have a gazillion price quotes to do, so get [...]

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Lindy, a loyal FedEx customer 
I’d like to give a big ol’ shout out to UPS!
It starts with “FUCK” and ends with “YOU.” Wait, well I guess that would be the entire thing. FUCK YOU!! There, don’t I feel better.
This is the SECOND time in a row that I have used thier online package pick-up and [...]

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Dr. J.A.M. DDS

How many times will I have to endure the patient whining: “I hate the dentist! Oh, but not YOU! It’s not personal.” How about this: Then don’t say it. Think before you talk for once in your pathetic, soft, privileged life.
Yes, I know shots hurt. Yes, I know Dentistry is expensive. Funny that… [...]

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Interesting. Now Jess is here to have it out with a woman who commented on her previous rant: An Open Missive to Mia the Omnivore.
To the Self Righteous Tw@t, Chrissy:
I invite you to come and meet my dog. Really. Actually take her for a week… no a day… and then come talk to [...]

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Dear Honey,
I know you want to treat me special, and apparently this means that we have to go out this suggestion”on the town” and have dinner in a restaurant every once in a while. I truly believe that sucks. And you don’t seem to understand that.
Why? There are so many good reasons:
I [...]

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Open letter to the girl they call Aman-DUH,
Ok, so I get it. You’re young, immature, wet behind the ears… whatever ridiculous euphemism you wish to inject here.But you’ve been at the company for almost a year and I honestly think, in that time, you have managed to get even dumber.
It seems like you should’ve [...]

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Mr. Brady,Was that you I saw getting ready to pass out (surprise, surprise!) in a bar? It brought back quite a few delightful memories and I’d like to share them with you, as I’m sure you don’t remember –what with your constant drunkenness (how DID you manage so often to be intoxicated around school-aged [...]

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