Dear Overweight Customers Who Consistently Go to the Bakery I Work At:
Every morning I make blueberry and raspberry muffins, delicious sticky buns, braided breads coated in coffee and sugar, assorted cookies and golden pies. I see what goes into these desserts as I make them by scratch, and will admit to eating a cookie or two during my lunch break more than once. However, coming into this store and requesting “one of each kind of cookie” is absolutely absurd. Sure, they look harmless lying on their bed of wax paper and a shiny metal sheet pan. This does not mean that they will not contribute significantly over time to your growing crotch fat.
A plate of almond cake samples sprinkled lightly with confectioners’ sugar is extremely tempting—please, take one, that’s what they’re there for. Hopefully, you’ll buy one and contribute to the growing economy of America. Oh, a second is fine. I hope you enjoy it, they’re on the rack directly behind you, and though they are quite large I’m sure you’ll have no problem eating half on the way back home. No, please, a third is not necessary. I am here to provide you with free food so you’ll buy some more, not to give you your third lunch. Your continuance in getting up from your large bistro-style coffee with four sugars and heavy cream to grab “just one more, they’re so delicious!” is entirely not necessary. You have now eaten the equivalent of one third of a cake whose first ingredient is a cup of margarine and the old lady behind you is struggling to contain her grandson, who continues to grow antsy at the sight of a poppy seed muffin.
How do I work at a bakery and stay so healthy, you ask? Why, just because I work here does not mean I need to eat every meal here. I am here to serve you, nonetheless, and would love to give you a suggestion: we do offer such options at oatmeal bread and dinner rolls; you should give it a shot.
Most Sincerely,
Your Ever-Smiling Baker
dear your ever-smiling baker,
i can’t believe that you have managed to escape the wrath of that fat chick from the comments on the the dog pepper spray story.
i sympathize: fat people bug me too. especially the ones who go in public.
also, your treats sound awesome.
sincerely,
skinny single sample taker
There were two actually and they were both pretty civil. I bet the author of this rant was saddened by your comment and felt bad she validated someone who hates all fat people on sight.
I won’t dare look at a sample tray because of wonderful people like Nawanda. Why? I don’t want to deal with those LOOKS. Those “You don’t need to touch that, you fat, nasty slob!” type looks. It’s not worth it to me.
Now, I’ve seen two overweight women ask for a plastic plate at a McDonalds to store a piece of birthday cake one was holding in her BARE hand so they could make some Super Sized orders. (Yes, really.) It’s shocking, unhealthy and you wish you could slap them for passing out the impression that all overweight people must go home and GORGE on lard for fun. Trust me, not all of us do.
I’m an ovo-vegetarian who eats local, organic and almost never has sugar. I’ve got a license in the same education personal trainers go through too, so I know the mechanics and process of fitness. I also jog regularly and do weight training, but I’m still overweight, despite years of calorie tracking and balanced diets. Go figure.
Often, people are overweight because they’re depressed or feel hated by society. They give up caring, and the problem gets worse. Sometimes, “We Fat People” try and convince ourselves it might be all in our head; that people don’t immediately judge us as worthless oinkers at the drop of a hat. Oh wait. Oops. YOU do.
Thanks. Thanks for that, Nawanda. Way to make your fellow human beings feel like they deserve to be alive. You have a heart of gold in there, don’t you? …Do you kick puppies, too?
Whereas the author there makes a very valid point that I wasn’t offended by, your comment I think really missed the mark on what the author was saying. I doubt the author is “bugged” by fat people, just on the basis of them being fat. If I may continue my conjecture, I assume they are bothered by a lack of self control and selfish, overly indulgent behavior.
My 6′8″, 160 pound husband just almost entirely packed down a box of truffles by himself before crawling into bed, just now. (In case you can’t picture what I meant by his size and weight, what I mean is he looks like a damn scarecrow.) This man pounds down a two liter bottle of soda in one sitting and sops it up with dozen doughnuts. It turns my stomach. One could write a rant about him managing to eat an entire tin of cookies out of the grocery sacks before getting home- but, Nawanda, I ask you: Is my piggy, food obsessed, SKINNY husband allowed to go outdoors in NawandaLand?
Did you ever think how much it hurts to have someone like you treat us like we’re not equally deserving as people, just because of what we look like, Nawanda? Do you even care?
I doubt this will effect you at all, but I’ve said my piece.
—The Overweight Health Nut
I do not hate all fat people on sight. However, when one gets to know somebody who does, I can only imagine their popularity to grow and prosper significantly. Ya cock.