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Stephanie, not an Oprah fan, I’d take it

Was it really necessary to cry for three days when I shaved my head at age 17? Did you have to be all dramatic when every I expressed a teeny, tiny individual impulse? Well, screw that I guess. I learned how to hide my freak flag. It is a skill that serves me well.

And to this day, you still don’t understand me. You don’t know my hopes and dreams. Heck, you don’t even know my goddamn JOB! You truly suck because of this. And I know I should be all, ‘you did the best you could’ and all ‘Oprah vagina forgiveness’ about it. But, no. I still think it sucks when you can’t get your self past the tattoos to see the glory of me. Dumbass.

But lets try a tiny step here. I am NOT a physicians assistant. I am a PSYCHIATRIC NURSE PRACTITIONER.

Big difference between the two. Just like us.

I still love you though. Your grand-kids love you more. See you next week.

Rantasaurus Says: Steph, I get you. I get you. When Mr. Perfect Dumb Billasaurus was off stomping skulls and making Mamasaurus proud, I was reading in the corner, learning Milton, Thoreau. Who do you think got the Caveasaurus when Mama passed away?

Joe Bauer, spelling “eyeronic”

I’m sick and tyred of posts on the intirnet filld with mispellings!

Can’t you lasy people get it right? Do you realize how much of my presious time I lose stumbling over your mronic misques? How did any of you ever make it through sofomore english!

The poor educations and ignorance of our pupulation is so expozed with these embarasssing entries!

Gaaad…take an adult english class or somethign WILL YA?

No wonder people in other cuntries think Americans are dumm!

I am ashamd to even have to corespond with you speling retards! GET A SPELING LIFE !!!

I’m dislexic and I STILL spel corectly…WHAY CAN’T YOU???

Rantasaurus Says: Intristing. Berry, berry intristing.

Rantsplosion!

Don’t forget to submit your most awful, embarrassing and hilarious school memories and woes. Our Rantsplosion contest ends in 10 days and the theme is: school woes

Head over to our Submitasaurus page to make it happen!

Amy, spider warrior

IRXVII: a spider demon tried to kill me last night
IRXVII : THREE TIMES
IRXVII: first, i was at my desk on the computer
IRXVII: all depressed
IRXVII: and the bastard tried to latch onto my arm
IRXVII: to suck the life out of me
IRXVII: good thing my chair has wheels, i was able to throw myself away from the desk in time
IRXVII: so it scurried away to the abyss
IRXVII: then, im on my bed on the phone..
IRXVII: maybe half an hour tops after the desk incident
IRXVII: and there it was
IRXVII: stalking me from above
IRXVII: so i do what any normal person would
IRXVII: when they are being stalked by a dark specimen
IRXVII : i grab a tuna can
IRXVII: (or three, in a box)
IRXVII : and slam it onto the wall, where it was resting
IRXVII: but aha, the douche is quicker than i thought
IRXVII: and teleported from the wall to the ceiling in a split second
IRXVII : i miss, and drop the can SCREAMING
IRXVII: the person on the phone is amused..
IRXVII: spider falls to its doom (my floor)
IRXVII: or more like LEAPED
IRXVII: because it crawled up my wall
IRXVII: again
IRXVII: so i see it crawl up my wall, and i promptly put the phone down, and look for the tuna
IRXVII: couldnt find the tuna, so i grab the next best thing: air freshener
IRXVII : i figure, something so evil can’t resist the mighty powers of cleanliness
IRXVII: in a can
IRXVII: so there i am…balancing on one foot on the corner of my bed (i pulled the bed about 3 ft from the wall)
IRXVII: spraying the devil with the air freshener
IRXVII : and it STILL was moving
IRXVII: so i continue spraying a while….
IRXVII: then find the can o tuna box
IRXVII: and smoosh the fuck out of it
IRXVII: three times i slam the can on the wall
IRXVII : then i held it against the wall and rubbed it in for good luck
IRXVII: i proceed to throw the can out of my window, yelling “SPAWN OF SATAN!!”
IRXVII: then finish my conversation
IRXVII: /end rant
Monica: XD
Monica: did that really happen?
IRXVII: yes.
IRXVII: there is a stain on my wall from the air freshener streaming down it
Monica: XD

Rantasaurus Says: One time I threw something at a spider and it went through my wall, through my neighbor’s cat (sorry Mittens) and through my neighbor’s bathroom…. and the things I saw in there… well… let’s say I use bug spray now.

We’ve gotten some good search engine results lately. Things someone typed to get here:

“a blowjob in las vegas airport”

“hate letters to a cheating wife”

“what are hookers listed as under the phone book”

“pills to make you horny for women”

Dear searcher for horny, pilled-up women… on the same day, we got several searches for “will Lunesta make you horny?” so you may want to try that. – Dr. Rantasaurus

“annoying bob furniture death” (HAHAHAHA! Someone else agrees with J.P.)

Dear Bob furniture death-wishers… someone also recently searched for “bob furnitures wife” so he may get his yet. Looks like someone is planning to swoop in.

“funny,laughing,farting cat pictures”

“shit in underwear date stomach”

“how to decorate a trailer apartment”

Step 1. Get out of denial. I don’t know if they actually count as… an apartment. An apartment on wheels, maybe?

“burn victim drinking and driving”

“buy scissors to trim hairy back”

Uh, oh… Bob the Furniture Guy has been surfing again.

“buck teeth and lazy eye”

If you’re not finding what you want with that search, try “bob furnitures wife.”

“monster made of candy”

You know, some people have called me a monster. Other people have called me sweet as candy. So…. heeeeeeeello!

“apology letters from drinking to much and vomiting everywhere bad”

“naughtyoldladies.com”

“cheese binds me”

“farting flatmates from hell”

“ways to scare people in their sleep”

“men drink women spit and pee”

I’m a little unclear on the grammar. Was that supposed to be “men drink. women spit and pee.” Or… “men drink women, spit and pee?”

“my junk was hanging out”

And my personal favorite: “nice looking chastity belt”

No, I’m not gonna let you have it! I’ll just dress it up real nice-like and tease you with it!

Dear over-privileged student,

I understand that your internet connection in the FREE housing you’ve been provided is not operating correctly at the moment. Trust me, our IT department has been working on it. In fact, they were already working on the problem when you called me. They were still over there when you then came to my office to ask about it twenty minutes later.

Yes, I did give you the correct extension for the girl who runs our help desk so you could call back to check on it. The fact that “she didn’t answer” is no reason for you to call me and tell me “she didn’t say her name on the voicemail.”

Let me give you a couple of tips:

  1. If someone doesn’t answer their phone, it’s probably wise to leave a voicemail. People do not have endless bladder capacity and, therefore, sometimes must leave their desks to go to the bathroom. That is exactly where she was when you called for the third time today.
  2. Since the outgoing message on the IT Help Desk actually says “You’ve reached the IT Help Desk”, you can probably bet that you were calling the correct number. Just because I said the actual name of the person who runs the Help Desk does not negate the fact that I also said the actual phrase “the person who runs the Help Desk.”

You apparently lack key listening and critical thinking skills.

Also, giving the Help Desk girl attitude when she tells you that they’ll look at the problem tomorrow is NOT a good idea. She leaves here at 5:00. You called her at 4:30. The problem is on our ISP’s end, and there is no way they’re going to get anything done in thirty minutes.

So, since people have been dealing with not having internet since, say, the dawn of humanity, I think you can go less than 24 hours without your precious wireless access.

Stop Whining,

The Student Wrangler

Dear Lonely Psycho Patient,

I know it’s a lot to ask, but could you please stop stalking me?

I’m a professional. I understand it’s common for patients to form crushes on nurses they see on a regular basis, but seriously, dude, it’s not a date.

Gently rebuffing you hasn’t helped, so here are some tips:

  1. Just because I’m not wearing a wedding ring doesn’t mean I’m available. I live with my boyfriend and I made this clear the first time you caught me off guard and asked me out on a date (note to self: go buy a cheap wedding band to wear to work….might save me some trouble in the future…)
  2. Staring at me for 4 solid hours, three days a week does NOT make you seem more attractive, it does NOT make me want you, and quite frankly, it just pisses me off. Go to sleep, read a book, or watch TV, for Christ’s sake!!
  3. Stop calling me at work for stupid stuff. I’M BUSY!! If you need something, tell me while you’re there. And stop “dropping by” the unit (especially while you’re high) on your off days.
  4. In case you haven’t noticed, I have other patients. I don’t care what you did “in the service” 10 years ago. Oh, and if you intend to pursue this LIE, pick a branch instead of saying “Oh, you know, for America”. Even I know it’s the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, etc. Put in a little effort, idiot!!
  5. I know what your car looks like. How many times are you going to wait for me to get off work and try to follow me home? Haven’t you figured out by now that I’m going to drive straight to the police station if I see you? If you really want to know, borrow a car and stay back a little. Jesus! Didn’t you learn how to use stealth in the service? Oh yeah, that didn’t actually happen…..my bad.
  6. Stop telling me every day that I look pretty. I already know that.
  7. Just a recommendation: re-direct this wasted energy you’re spending on me to get a haircut, shave, and, oh, shower, maybe? Perhaps move out of your parents house? Then you can get a real girlfriend that’s NOT ME!!

In closing, I’d just like to say that even though you’re twice my size, I’m not scared of you. I’ve been a nurse for 14 years and faced up to bigger, meaner, and smarter than you. That “penlight” in my pocket is a taser and I’m aiming for your balls if you get too close.

Back off, and fast, before I get you a prescription for one foot up your ass…..mine.

Sincerely,

Your Dialysis Nurse, Rio Brown

Rantsplosion

Don’t forget our monthly Rantsplosion contest! The theme for August, just in time for back to school is: school memories.

Head on over to the Submitasaurus page and submit away!

To my supposed friend of the last 15+ years,

Just a little note to let you know, sweetpea. You….are….so….BUSTED! I don’t just mean “caught”, I mean BUSTED with a capital B. You might just as well have broadcast the last two years of your twisted existence on the Jumbotron at Wembley because in what I predict to be a very short period of time, everyone is going to know what you’ve been up to. ( The circle we travel in does like to chat, don’t they dah-ling? )

My…my…my. We’ve been very naughty, haven’t we? Unfortunately for you, your lapse of judgment and loss of ethics seems to have clouded your memory. Although I only possess one tiny piece of the puzzle, it hasn’t proven that difficult to unravel the terribly tangled web you’ve woven. You had every opportunity to keep me out of it but for reasons unclear to me, you hauled me right into the center of your mess and then hoped I wouldn’t notice the stench. It’s a good thing you’re pretty because you certainly aren’t very clever, after all. Oh, don’t go getting a big head about it, you’re not THAT pretty. Lying has a way of making you very ugly very quickly.

I’m certain you didn’t count on me being able to retrace your dodgy steps all the way back to the beginning, but I did. I’m certain you didn’t count on me hanging on to that tiny puzzle piece, but I did. I’m certain you never dreamed I’d actually take the time to figure it all out, but I did. I’m certain you didn’t count on others who are more than happy to step forward and fill me in on all the little details, but they did. Seems you need to stop believing your own press because you’re not nearly as popular ( or as removed from consequences ) as you’ve been telling yourself.

What did you honestly think would happen? That I’d hold up to my end of the bargain and conveniently forget about yours? Sorry, luvey but that’s not how I roll.

In closing, may I remind you that everything you put out into the Universe revisits you tenfold. I certainly wouldn’t want to be standing next to you when the Universe comes-a-calling to collect that debt.

Tah-tah!

Creative Freakin’ Genius-a-Saurus

Our August Rantsplosion is going on all month. Submit your regular rants but make sure to think of any extras with the theme: school

Dig back into your childhood for those gems and send them to us on the Submitasaurus page!

Joe Bauer, real estate humanitarian 

Things are so bad now for real estate license holders ( which everyone and their brother is) with homes not selling for years and sellers refusing to accept that the home price gold rush madness is over and ignoring their realtors pleas that they should start dropping these laughed at asking prices…

That I think it is time to start real estate salesperson soup serving kitchens in the most crashing areas.

I mean these people are devastated. The most depressed group I have seen in years. Many practically have tears in their eyes when I see and ask them how it’s going.

Can’t someone get these started?

Your poor mortal eyes must already be bleeding from reading the brilliance of BetheBoy’s egomaniacal genious-ness. Take an easy rest here, readers. You are safe… for now.

Dear PigSty Neighbor,

For 6 years we’ve lived across the road from you. Your driveway amazed me then, with the amount of stuff piled along its edges, but now, GOOD GAWD! As I look out my window, I see a 30-foot-long row of wood that you’ve had covered with black plastic. There is an old 1950’s camper with a blue plastic tarp tied over the top, I guess to keep the rain out. There is a huge white plastic awning near the entry to your garage (which, through the windows, appears to be full of boxes of more crap).

Under the awning are tables and tables of crap, including 6 old computer monitors, broken kids’ toys, cardboard boxes, and dead plants in pots. People actually pull into your driveway, thinking there is a flea market taking place! It’s good that you put a sign out to let them know there is no sale.

Your van, which is slowly falling apart, is dented and missing a front and back wheel cover. Your son’s car (he weighs 450 pounds) shoots out blue smoke when he starts it. He peels out each time he backs out of your gravel driveway… shooting dust and gravel into the air, which of course, blows to my driveway.

Your front porch is completely full of crap, making it difficult to get to the door. Your side door, which is visible, too, is surrounded by cases and cases of empty Diet Pepsi cans, waiting to be returned for deposit. If you’d return the cans for 5 cents each, you’d probably have enough money to replace your missing wheel covers.

For 6 years I’ve watched the piles grow. I’ve watched the weeds on the edge of your driveway bolt and send seed all over my gardens.

I like you, neighbor, but I’m sick of your crap.

BoggyWoggy

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Today we were linked on the Times Online. Welcome to our readers from the UK!

Oh hi there, Dearest Daddy and my darling step-mommy!

Remember how I’m putting myself through college? Like, that whole thing where I have scholarships and loans in my name? And I’m paying for my own car and insurance and cell bill and credit card and basically have been financially independent from anyone for the last three years?

Yeah, that’s pretty cool, huh. ? And I know you’re all proud of me and stuff. But, um, here’s the thing: yeah, when you promise to send me money because I have a business trip to NYC and would like a little extra doff to buy you presents and, y’know…eat? Or when I’m strapped for cash one semester and I’d like a simple hundy to get me through a month? Or, hey, when my *tooth breaks* and I’d like to go to a dentist to get it fixed, but I have no dental insurance and no money to take care of it and you’re all, “Why, of course we’ll send you money so that you can get through a simple meal without wondering if food is going to get stuck in your giant, chipped tooth hole and become abcessed, leading to having to have the tooth pulled and a root canal which we know you can’t afford!”

Yeah, when you promise me all the stuff and then you don’t follow through? Guess what that makes you: lying liars who lie. Do me a favor. Don’t promise it to me if you don’t have it. If you say “we don’t have the extra cash right now” for the love of God, I’ll understand (until you spend $700 for the step-kiddles to go to junior and sophomore prom, which is a rant of a different color).

In conclusion: don’t be surprised if I don’t come home for Christmas because I can’t afford gas.

All my love!

Schwa

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